It’s been two weeks since my last Chemo.  I am at the halfway point with it all and I know it should feel like a relief or exciting and everyone shows excitement for me but honestly I don’t feel it. This treatment was different, physically I felt better and recovered a lot quicker within five days but it was also icky at the same time.

I did have another period and dealt with thrush again and I think I just felt discouraged.  William was worried about me because he felt like I was giving up and I think I wanted to.  I don’t like feeling like I’m going to constantly throw up or feel like there is a lump in my throat all the time or having major stomach issues.  Those were the things that were worse this time and I know that it may not seem like a big deal but to me it sucked.  The first four days I kept asking myself “why am I doing this?”  or thinking, I’m done.  I look at myself and I see this stranger and I really don’t see what my husband sees.  I look weird and I dislike looking at pictures of myself.  I know these things will pass and what I am feeling is ok. My life will never be the same.  I don’t question God and ask “why me?” I don’t need to.   But I do fall into a funk occasionally and forget to hold onto the peace that the Lord has given me.  So now you know.  This is my struggle right now.

I don’t see beauty, but a stranger that I have to live with.  I am still me but I’m not.  It’s hard to explain.  Some of these feelings have to do with the high emotions that are running in my house right now.  My kids are wonderful but they get upset with me and I understand that it’s their way of showing their emotions and I want to just go back and be the mom they knew.  My daughter told me all you do is sleep or rest and my heart broke.  Am I giving her what she needs or am I failing as a mother?  She just turned thirteen and I had Chemo on her birthday and that was hard.  I was being told that it’s just a birthday, but it’s so much more than that.  It’s a celebration of her life and the woman she is becoming and nothing is going to stop me from celebrating that.  We had her party at the beach this last Sunday and did I push it?  Of course!  Did I burn some skin? Yes.  But my daughter felt the love of her friends and family and I got to be a part of it.  The smiles and laughter are things I wouldn’t want to miss.  I pushed it for my husband’s birthday and I was so excited to do something for him and it wasn’t the greatest night.  I’m not even sure what happened that night but I literally got ill from some of the crap that happened that night.  I still can’t get upset or be around people who are high-strung, I physically can’t handle it.  It’s so weird.  I did have him plan a guys night out for his birthday and it was the best thing for him! So thank you to the guys who spent the night with William!  Also to our friends and family that showed up for Julia’s birthday.  She had two parties and it was such a blessing! 🙂

In the midst of all my emotional crap my mom and her husband showed up before my last treatment and they have been a blessing to us.  The yards were taken care of and my house is clean! Thank you mom and Bryan!  My mom is still here helping us and her husband went home and I am blessed.

I write these things to share the life of Chemo, not for sympathy but to show the reality of the world we live in and to be open about my struggles.  I have a pretty good attitude about this stuff but I am also human and I struggle with my doubts and emotions.  In the midst of being blessed I feel defeated.  Or at least I did for about four days.  I am ok now.  I am at peace once again and no matter what I know that I am in the Lords hands.

Blessing to you all!

-Tamika