Some of you have asked me what I am going through. Is it like a cold? The flu?  People tell me they want to understand.  A few of you have asked me to tell my story.  I don’t like to be the focus of people’s attention…actually, I get a little embarrassed and feel silly.  But this time I feel like maybe there is someone out there that I can help by being open about the process of this journey and letting them know that God is my focus to help me get through this. So here is my story of Chemo Round 1.

Warning: This may be TMI for some of you – nothing graphic or anything like that…but it’s the side effects of chemo.

     The day after I had Chemo, I had to go in for the Neulasta shot.  It’s like a five minute process, they inject it into your arm and then you’re done.  I felt fine Friday late afternoon, but by that evening I was feeling a little achier on top of feeling acidic and bloated.  My period had something to do with all of this as it started the day before Chemo.  I wouldn’t recommend having a period on Chemo! 🙂  (especially if they are as bad as mine)  Anyways, my body was off by Friday.  I slept OK that night.  I woke William up once to rub my legs.

     By Saturday I was in a little more of an uncomfortable state.  My ankles and feet were very achy, my legs were beginning to hurt but I needed to get out of the house.  So I went to Avila with William and Papa.  It was nice and beautiful! But honestly, I felt like crap.  Did I forget to mention that I was constipated?  Yup I said it.  It was very uncomfortable! One of the drugs I take one makes you constipated and the other makes you have diarrhea.  This became my reality for over a week. 🙂 Anyways back to my story.  My body was not happy.  I also felt like things were moving in slo-motion.  It could be the steroids I am taking. 🙂 By Saturday evening I was feeling many bones in my body that I wasn’t aware of.  I didn’t wake William up that night. He was sleeping so peacefully.  (I was already up peeing a lot) It’s just that my bones (especially in my knees, ankles, feet and right arm) felt like they were splintering into pieces.  I was getting some sharp pain in my pelvic bone, some tightness in my chest, my neck still was sore from surgery and I had been sleeping upright since Tuesday.  It gets uncomfortable after a while when you sleep upright every night, your butt doesn’t like it much.  I took some Frankincense oil with coconut oil and rubbed my legs.  It helped a little. I was up most of the night – i just prayed a lot.

     On Sunday, Mother’s day, I just hung around the house and didn’t do much.  I realized taking a warm bath makes the aches hurt more.  So don’t do it! 🙂 William got me Thai food and I was very much looking forward to eating it, but my taste buds were starting to go away and well it didn’t sit well with me.

     The rest of the week was filled with the aches and pain Sunday through Tuesday.  Now I was dealing with diarrhea.  This isn’t a good thing when on Chemo.  So try to avoid it. 🙂  I was now living on Smoothies, anything cold was helpful!  By Tuesday I felt like my bones were decompressing, especially in my back and butt bone area.  Not fun!  I had to meet with my surgeon so he could make sure the slices he made in me were healing well.  I thought on Tuesday that I was doing a little better.  I hadn’t eaten much besides little snacks, smoothies, lots of cold water and a meal here and there.  Oh, did i mention I had Acid Refulx?  Yep, it’s another crappy thing to have.  But these things were just part of life now.  I kept telling myself that I could have it worse and that the bone pain wasn’t as bad as it could be.

     By Tuesday night William was working and I started getting sores on my tongue, it also felt furry, I couldn’t taste anything along with the other stuff and now I wanted to throw up.  Another thing I wouldn’t recommend on Chemo. 🙂  I didn’t get sick, I took an anti-nausea pill and it helped.  That night I fell apart.  When you think it’s getting better and then it doesn’t and there are all these other things going on, well honestly it sucks.  William wasn’t home so I called him.  Fortunately he was on his way home, but I had the gut wrenching sobs that I just couldn’t keep in.  Micah came into my room and held me while I was on the phone with William.  I told them I feel like such a bad Mommy.  I wasn’t taking care of my family like I normally do and it is one of the worst feelings to have.  Micah loved on me and said “I don’t think you’re a bad mom.”  I just needed to hear it, that I wasn’t failing my family.  William came home not to long after and I had kind of pulled it together.  Poor Micah, he shouldn’t have to deal with a sobbing mother.  William held me and said he missed holding me and being there for me. I cried a little until i couldn’t cry any more, it literally hurt to cry. I have an amazing family!

     The rest of the week wasn’t so intense.  I had no energy, acid reflux, sore tummy and my movements were still off with some minor aches and pains and occasional sharp pains here and there but it was better than the previous days!  I did get to comfort my daughter Wednesday night, she was having a moment and I just held her and let her cry.  She looked at me and said “mom, you are going through so much and you hurt, but you take care of others and hold them.  You’re the best mom ever!”  That was a balm to my soul.  Thank you Julia, you are my Sunshine! 🙂

     I was determined to feel better as the week was nearing the end.   My kids were having their last dance competition in Santa Clara and I didn’t want to miss it.  Life is too short and if I’m not immobile, I will do my best to be there for everything they do.  It was a good decision because my kids really wanted me to be there.  The drive was just OK.  The thing constantly on my mind would be “is there a bathroom close by?” LOL! Having unpredictable movements is not something I’ve ever had to worry about.  Just walking around wore me out and I don’t just mean tired.  It’s like you literally have no energy and you have to sleep to be able to recover.  I also have to be careful about germs and the new golden rule, I cannot be around sick people.  And I shouldn’t be around kids because they pass germs around like the plague.  I could die (ok, maybe this is over the top, but this is what I’ve been told).  So I normally would hug you if you were sick, because germs don’t scare me and even sick people need to be loved, but my husband has put his foot down – so no sick people for me.  😉

     I am beginning to wonder what a “normal body” feels like.  Will I ever taste anything again?  Do I get to stop playing the “what pill should I take to help my tummy” game?  Will I ever sleep on my side or back without being upright again, because my butt really needs a break! Also to top all of this week off, the fuzzy tongue thing turned into thrush.  Yup, it was icky but it happens because of Chemo drugs.  I was now taking a drug to clear that up.  Do not share drinks with me! I could contaminate you! 😉 Nice…it’s just wanted to have. LOL!!!

     This is the truth and reality of killing all your bad cells with the good.  Having a face that feels like chalk and breaking out with pimples and having skin reactions to the tape that was used for IV’s or to put those sticky things on my body while in surgery. Lets see, is there anything else I should add to this ever growing list of side effects? Oh yes, if you’re in the market for really bad jaw pain, back pain, swollen sinuses, dry nose…look no further!

     There it is. I know I’ve joked about this and it’s really a very serious thing. But you need some humor in your life if you’re going to get through this. I smile every chance I get. I look for the best in things.

Thanks for reading.

-Tamika