I realize that we all deal with uncomfortable news differently. Our reactions range from mild to extreme. I have said some stupid things in my life or responded like an idiot and for that I do apologize. 🙂

I have been thinking about life a lot and I have to continuously keep myself in a state of calmness. If I don’t I feel sick. So it is a conscious effort on my part every day to stay in this state. It comes across to others like I may not care but I do, I just can’t let myself be stressed even when I feel bad, which leads me into this topic of being broken. I feel like I am looking at life in a much different way and I see people a little bit differently. But know this I will always love you. 🙂

First of all I like to listen and I love having friends that like to share their lives and share in mine. I think this is a good balance in any friendship. It’s hard when it is a one way street type of relationship, and honestly it isn’t only about me. I would go nuts if life was. I’m quite boring sometimes, funny as heck, maybe even a little bit annoying, and I love people…well, most of the time. 🙂

Now some of my friends have given me the I don’t give a shit attitude, life sucks and just move on. Some keep their distance because they don’t know what to say to me or they think that all we need to talk about is my diagnosis or the response is completely opposite where we don’t talk about my life at all. Some have pulled together and decided that they will take care of us. Some friends tell me “wow that sucks! I’m sorry.” Others don’t want to touch me. I don’t know exactly why that is. I get the” I’m sweaty I don’t want to hug you.” But I can tell when people go out of their way to avoid me or even be near me. We can be in the same room and their eyes avert away from me or completely ignore me. I get it. I really do. What do we say when we don’t know how to feel about a situation someone is going through or we just don’t want to know because honestly living in our own worlds is so much nicer. We all have a bunch of crap that we deal with. Our kids can be giving us issues, life in itself can be overwhelming, marriage, friends, a loved one died, family drama, or a car broke down. Whatever it is, I understand that we all deal with something. If looking at me makes life uncomfortable, I’m sorry but there is nothing I can do about that. 🙂 I love you! I have made a choice early on that I would live life because it is too short. I forced myself to go to my kid’s last convention because I had promised them that I would try my best to never miss what they were doing. For a brief moment I was worried about the other families. Will it be uncomfortable for them if I come? Will I be a distraction? What if they want to talk about it, when is the appropriate time and place? Will the kids feel uncomfortable? With all of those questions I realized this isn’t about anyone else or my own insecurities. My family needed me and I made a choice to just be myself because I still have to go out in public. Life doesn’t stop because I have cancer and all I can do is make the best out of every day. 🙂

So to all my friends and family I dearly love you and your life is important to me. I want to know how to pray for you and talk about your “stuff” to. Please remember that I am not broken. It’s ok to look at me and say “I have no idea what to say.” Just treat me like me. 😉

Hugs and kisses!