Hello World

3

Hello World,

It’s been One month and ten days since my last Chemo Treatment and I know I haven’t written much. It’s taken me some time just to get back to a place where I can sit down and write again. I was pretty sick with the last treatment and pretty much forced myself to eat and drink water for a couple of weeks. I still did the things that needed to be done, but the truth is that I just wanted to be put out of my misery every step of the way.

I made it through five and a half months of all sorts of different pain or discomfort. It changes your perspective on things for sure. Life is precious. There were times that I just missed out on it. My family is so important to me and throughout the Chemo treatments I felt like I wasn’t fully there for them. That was hard. My daughter needed me and I was absent, or maybe I just feel like I was. I am so thankful I am done with that part of life.

Now that I’m done with Chemo I get questions from people like: “you’re all better now, right?” I have learned to read people and I find that many don’t want to hear that I am still struggling with some things. Because I should be better now, right?…wrong. But to top that off is the responses I get. I have learned to just say I am good because how do I constantly explain that there are still things going on in my body? They are minor compared to how I felt on Chemo, but I am still effected daily. I don’t want sympathy and I never have, just do away with the assumptions.   Now if you are one of the people who have asked if I’m angry because I write this stuff, no I am not and when I write I have this look of concentration on my face and most of the time a smile 🙂 I just want to keep it real and it’s so easy not to.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am neither healthy nor sick. I forget that and I push myself until I want to pass out. I just want to do it all and my body isn’t there yet. I was having a hard time with this a couple of weeks ago and felt so out of place, actually I was beating myself up about it. How could I feel sad to not be healthy or sick? What is wrong with me? Nothing. I just don’t relate to a sick body nor a healthy one. Sometimes I’m not sure who I even am because I want to do it all. I want to be Tamika the woman my husband married, the woman who my kids asked to do things or the mom who shows up and helps out with things. I get worn out but I can hide it. I just want to live and yet I don’t recognize the woman I was before Chemo. In personality and looks, she has become a stranger to me in some aspects.

Sometimes I am weary of writing the truth about how I really feel, about comments or what I am going through. Being raw means leaving yourself open for misinterpretations or being treated differently. So to answer this now: No, I’m not writing about you. I’m writing for myself, and to share this story with those who care, those who are going through this same struggle, and those who want to understand.

How do you explain: I am me, but I’m not? It’s a conundrum. I’m still figuring this one out.

-Tamika

AUTHOR

5 Comments

  1. Mary Ann Casados | September 30, 2014 at 3:13 am
     

    Beautifly said cuz. Give it time you will get back to that person for them the most part. Yes some things will be different, and no one will truely understand unless they have been there and gone through what we have. Hang in there it gets better. I love you

    Reply
  2. Katie Reynoso | September 30, 2014 at 4:47 am
     

    You go girl!!! Don't ever feel like you need an explanation!! It's YOUR journey, and YOUR feelings, and no one can EVER deny you that! You are AMAZING!! I LOVED seeing you the other day!! Lets do that again soon.

    Reply
  3. Sylvia N Bryan Teruya | September 30, 2014 at 5:08 am
     

    Hi My sweet daughter. When I was there with you I was so proud of the way you handled yourself. From what I saw you were there for your kids. Always taking the time to hear about there day. You are an Amazing mother and Wife. I am so thankful I got to be there with you all. To see God working in each of your lives and to see the love you have for each other. Will you are truly an amazing loving husband. Your gentleness for my daughter was absolutely beautiful to see. Your loving Savior has made you strong and wise. He the Lord is so good and every good and perfect gift comes from our Father in heaven. He will continue to bring healing to you! I love you!!

    Reply
  4. Phyllis Shelden | September 30, 2014 at 9:17 pm
     

    I so understand being with my husband fighting the cancer. People asking how are you doing but not really wanting to know. Or some avoid

    Reply
  5. Eric Plus Jennifer Shepard | October 1, 2014 at 6:53 pm
     

    Hi shorty! Thanks for keeping us updated! -Jen

    Reply

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